A thank you before my dreams

I’ve been quiet recently, off the radar. I usually say it’s for no reason in particular, nothing wrong. That’s an easier answer than the truth, I don’t know what’s wrong.

I go through these spells on a regular basis. Friends, tangible and cyber, ask me if I am okay to which I usually reply with a yes, true or not. I appreciate the fact that they care, it’s comforting to know people think about me enough to recognise my solitude.

As I said, I don’t know what is wrong but thank you to those who notice and make contact. I suspect that without you reaching out to get in touch I would sink into depression without realising it.
An easy pit to fall down but much more difficult to climb out.

I am back and I am doing well again, so thank you.

Last night I was dreaming. Just a regular dream, no juicy stories to tell but it did get me thinking. For the last six years I have always been ‘normal’ in my dreams. Not once have I been in a wheelchair.

I would love to understand more about dreams. I am with people I have not thought about for years. I am places I forgot existed. I relive memories I thought were lost. Most curiously, I am always walking.

This didn’t surprise me after the accident but I thought, given time, my dreams would merge with my reality. Six years is a long time for me to be living one life and dreaming another.

I sometimes struggle to decide if these dreams are a blessing or a curse.

My dreams stop me forgetting what it’s like to walk, to touch, to be touched. I know it’s not real but it’s the closest I will get. It is escapism from the chains that bind me. Without my dreams I don’t know how well I would remember what I always took for granted.
If someone loses their sight do they ever forget what it is like to watch a leaf fall from tree?

When I waken from a dream I can be smiling, still in the moment. It only lasts seconds before reality takes control again.

In a blink I am back in bed. Ventilated and unable to move, unable to wipe the sleep from my eyes. The high becomes a low and I spend some time lamenting over my loss.

A blessing or curse?

A blessing. Bittersweet but most definitely a blessing. That old quote ‘Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all’ could never be more appropriate.

I’ll gladly suffer those harsh awakenings if they provided me with a lifetime of remembering what I once enjoyed so freely.



  1. I once heard a radio programme which had a dream specialist on, I wasn’t actively listening to it but picking up bits here and there. Interestingly they said that you cant/don’t dream about something that you have never seen or experienced. The best example is death, and although I think I have dreamed about dying it is never the real experience but made up of things I have seen or done. I am always alive and walking about after I have died, weird but its because obviously I have never experienced it. The more I thought about what they had said and remember my dreams I think they are right.

    Just recently I’ve had members of my family in my dreams that I have not seen in years and have even passed away years ago. I’m not sure that there are messages in our dreams or that they can be premonitions if you decipher them. I think we may see or hear something during the day that we take no real notice of but our brain remembers it and we think about it while sleeping. You made me think about my own dreams and although I may have had the odd dream where I have lost my leg (not 100% sure about that), the majority of the time I have both legs and walking about fine.

    It could be something to do with the brain and nervous system. It is like phantom pain, although I have no foot, I know its not there and can tell myself that, I can still feel it. The stump has been made up by shortening and moving the muscles and tissue, there are nerve endings there but in different places. Now my foot is just below, or sometimes in, my stump because my brain remembers those signals as being in my lower leg and foot.

    The brain is probably the most powerful tool we have which can be a good thing, as in remembering good memories, or a bad thing, as it can play tricks on us, especially in the dark. I think it’s because of the way were designed, the brain reverts us to its natural state when we are dreaming which is why we both walk in our dreams.

    • It’s a fascinating subject.

      It makes perfect sense that we cannot dream about something we have never experienced. I’ve never thought about it but it’s true.

      We can imagine dying because of our experiences in life such as watching people die on TV but I’ve never dreamt about what happens to me after I have died. Maybe some people do but again, that could be their perception based on books and films etc.

      As you say, the brain is so complex. I don’t think we will ever truly understand its workings. For some reason I think that’s for the best.

      Thank you for the comment pal

  2. Steven you write so eloquently and powerfully about your life.

    I read not too long ago that any face you ‘see’ in a dream is a face you have seen in real life. You can’t dream of a face you haven’t seen. That’s the only “knowledge” I know regarding dreams.

    I’m glad you are feeling better. I enjoy the ‘noise’ you make from your end of the world. And miss it when it’s quiet.

    • Very similar point as theamputee has just made and it makes perfect sense. The questions like why does the brain choose a certain person or place or time? are the ones that baffle me. As I have said, I don’t think they will never be answered and that might be for the best. Sometimes too much knowledge can be a bad thing.

      Thank you for the e-mails you have been sending Colleen. They have helped stop me drifting away, I owe you one 🙂

      • You’re welcome. Truth be told I have to stop my self from bombarding people with emails. I could sit and write non stop for hours. Sadly, it has turned up in emails that have gone on …..a bit too long. 😉

        How the brain works….instead of trying to figure it out we should just make up our own hypothesis. Or definitions. Who’s to say we would be wrong?

        Thanks for not drifting away. That would be very unbearable.

  3. Dreams are fascinating. Have you ever woken up then gone back into the same dream? I do that a lot which is great when its a nice dream but horrid when its a nightmare lol x

    • I’ve found myself trying to concentrate on a good dream when going back to sleep in the hope that it will carry on. Unfortunately it doesn’t seem to work that way!

  4. Steven I have been behind in my reading because of going back to work but wanted to see how you were doing. I just want to thank you for posting like you do. I sometimes feel like I am sitting beside you with a chat. I hope everything is going as you want.
    Now as for dreams I remember in fourth grade I had a crush on a fifth grade boy and every night I would tell myself that I was going to meet him behind the school and he would kiss me before I went to sleep. Then I would dream it. Every night for weeks. He never knew and I never told. Forty years later I see him sitting beside his wife in church and I think I am so lucky to have my guy instead of him. Oh, and I feel kind of sorry for him too because his wife is mean and I am way cuter!
    Blessings my friend.

    • That gave me a good laugh, thank you. Would be great to control dreams, I can think of a few I would be happy to repeat night after night!

      I’m glad you feel a connection to my writing. It takes so much time with the voice recognition but that makes it worthwhile. Thank you for letting me know.

      And I’m sure you are cuter!!

  5. Dreams have been a large part of my recovery, they are indeed a window to ourselves.
    What I’ve learned is dreams are our subconscious trying to process emotion & memory on another level than we can in our conscious state. Very fascinating subject!

    I love the quote you used at the end of your post, Steven. It’s always been a favorite of mine.

    • They do fascinate me. In a way, I’m glad we don’t understand them. There is such a thing as too much knowledge and I’m happy having dreams left as a mystery. How do you use them to help with your recovery if you don’t mind me asking?

      • That’s a good point, Steven -‘such a thing as too much knowledge”. Some mystery is probably very good for us!

        As for them helping my recovery, I don’t mind you asking 😉 Thanks for being so considerate.

        There was one main way I’d say they’ve really helped me, though in the throes of it all I couldn’t really recognize it as ‘help’ sometimes. My most difficult memories began resurfacing through dreams/nightmares. I believe my subconscious figured out that was safer than the flashbacks I was having and made it more tolerable to process.

        Non-trauma dreams probably have a different function than this, but for me I really believe they were instrumental in healing.

      • It is interesting that you found the more difficult/traumatic dreams to be the ones that helped you, that allowed you to process them subconsciously. I was purely thinking about the happy dreams with the good memories, never considered the benefits of facing fears through dreams. Really interesting, thanks

      • Perspectives… I guess I still default to the dark world I lived in for so long. Happy dreams are like cotton candy to me -they don’t really stick as much. Perhaps one day soon they’ll be the ones I am trying to figure out! 😉
        Thanks for making me think a bit differently again, Steven.

  6. prayingforoneday

    Sometimes a dream can remind us what we once had, so enjoy the dreams mate.
    I can only imagine how hard shit must be buddy, but take these moments, Savour them.
    I can only share on my level mate, and I hope it is ok to do so. http://prayingforoneday.wordpress.com/2013/06/09/i-have-this-dream-every-night-i-go-back-in-time/
    In these dreams I can walk, run, play football. So I love dreaming, When I awaken sometimes it takes me a while to realise what is real, what is the dream, you know..
    Dreams are an interesting topic, some are so strange, but being on medication, so is life, lol..

    Good blog. Get your thoughts out there.
    In a very small way, your blog is similar to my blog there, and other blogs I have read.


    • They can be a great way of enjoying experiences without the constraints that our disabilities place on as. As I said though, bittersweet. That moment when you realise you weren’t really playing football can be a downer but you are right, take the moments and savour them.

      Regarding medication, I find certain drugs (particularly morphine-based) can bring on loopy dreams. Those ones that you just can’t put any logic behind. Sometimes you just have to laugh at them.

      Glad you seem to be keeping well buddy

      • prayingforoneday

        Yeah agreed, bittersweet but enjoy the moment. For you the moment in Dream must me something…
        And Morphine, I got a broken bone in my knee just now so got to take it, but once a day if i’m lucky,, hate it. And yup, Laughter, we got to bud, find the humour of it all…

        And I have always been well bud, seriously…You only got to know me in a place where kids were being kids… lol. Here, you get the real me. Again, delighted you are sharing and caring in here matey. Proud of my Bhoy.


  7. They say we experience huge shifts every 7 years. I remembered that it took that long after my youngest was born for her to be included in my dreams. I always dreamt of my eldest daughter before then. As to your present dreams, if you dream of walking and running you spirit can soar unhindered, at least for a short time. I would suggest that you listen to music with headphones on and imagine the same as you dream – if for no other reason that to enjoy a sense of escape and freedom. We all need it. I always dream of singing and playing the piano – and for an hour or two I can forget that I work too hard, or that I’m getting old or that I can’t actually sing a note……good old soul food!

    • That is interesting. I am six years since the accident so maybe I will have a shift in the format of my dreams soon. I do enjoy them, at the time. It’s when I wake and reality clicks back in that I question whether or not it is worth the disappointment. I reckon it is, got to keep those memories alive.

  8. thank you for writing this. I am in tears. you make me want to live better than I have been, and fight harder against depression. you are such an amazing person. your kindness and sincerity shines through your words. God bless you.

    love, Emma

    • Most sincere thank you Emma, that genuinely does mean a lot. I will pop by a check up on your blog soon X

  9. You are not alone on the wandering off for solitude. Sometimes my brain cramps and I struggle to force myself to interact in small ways. I am glad you have those dreams. Maybe some day your body will merge with your subconscious and re-accept your dream truth.


    We’re supposed to have ups and downs. Our lives are a heartbeat. Up, down, up, down. Tha-thump, tha-thump. If that stopped we’d be gone. Ride the tide, my friend.

    • This is really strange. Since that post I can’t remember having any dreams. I was thinking about it the other day, surely coincidental.

      • I was reading this article the other day about how dreaming is important for our health. If we don’t dream for awhile we need to remember to “daydream”, meditate, or spend time imagining in the meantime. Give yourself permission for a half hour of solid brain-zen time. Yeah? I psyched myself out last week. Got my dreams back!

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